Joakim Noah has spent the past two days talking shit about Cleveland, calling it a factory town (wait, there are factories in Cleveland??? How has no one ever notice this before Noah?), saying there’s nowhere to go out (I’ll admit, the 1 mile radius surrounding the Q is a little sparse, but has he ever heard of a thing called a car?) and saying that he never left his hotel room (probably in self-preservation, as he knew he would literally be ripped limb from limb by the voracious Cleveland fans). I say, “So what?” He’s not here for a vacation. He’s here to win basketball games. But, oh wait! He hasn’t done that yet! With how this series is going, Noah won’t have to worry about coming back to Cleveland, because his team is about to get swept.

Which isn’t to say the Bulls aren’t trying. Last night was probably their best chance to win a game in this series, but they weren’t able to close it out. What went right for them? Two words: offensive rebounds. The Bulls were incredibly active in the paint, grabbing 13 offensive rebounds to the Cavs’ 5, and charging through the lane to the basket over and over. And over. And over. Seriously, the Bulls dominated in the paint, and seemed to run their entire offense between the free throw line and the basket. And it was efficient! Noah led a very balanced Bulls offense with 25 points and 13 rebounds, followed by Derrick Rose (23 points), Luol Deng (20 points) and Flip Murray (14 points and huge energy off the bench).

What didn’t the Bulls do well? Play defense. They didn’t guard the perimeter, they didn’t guard Lebron James (who ended up with 40 points, 8 rebounds, and 8 assists), and they let the Cavs hit 56.3% of their shots. Cleveland also took 24 free throws, making 22 of them. Which had to be a season high, by the way. Cleveland is not exactly known for their free throwing abilities.

However, the Cavs didn’t play defense either. The amount of shots in the paint and second shot opportunities for the Bulls was astounding, and hard to watch if you’re a Cavs fan. The Cavs pride themselves on their defense, as Mike Brown is a defensive-minded coach, and organize their game strategies around defense. But more times than I can count, a Bull would grab the ball and drive to the hoop, while 5 white jerseys stood still and watched. Frustrating!

What wasn’t frustrating was the Cavs’ outside shooting. Also known as “the only reason the Cavs didn’t lose the game”. They went 10-20 from downtown, 4 coming from Jamario Moon. Yes, Moon. Not Williams. Not West. Not Gibson (obviously). Jamario Moon! Who saw that coming? Clearly not the Bulls, since they never put a body on him.

After 3.75 quarters of absolutely no defense, from either team, the Cavs finally decided to lock it down (somewhat) and take the lead for good. Key blocks by Moon and Zydrunas Ilgauskas led to 2 Moon 3-pointers, along with about 90 long range jumpers by James, and the Cavs were able to take the lead and stay there. All in all, it wasn’t a great Cavs’ victory, but it was a victory none-the-less.

Now, most people know of my great disdain for Reggie Miller, but I have to say my animosity towards him is growing. Not only do I disagree with basically everything basketball-related he says, but I’ve started shouting grammatical corrections at the TV when he opens his mouth. (It’s not a 3-pointer OF Moon, it’s a 3-pointer BY Moon. It’s not Mike Brown CALL a timeout, it’s Mike Brown CALLS a timeout. You get the idea.) However, it’s his idiotic basketball commentary and catch phrases that really get my goat. So, to celebrate Reggie Miller and his under-qualification for my dream job, I give you my “favorite” Millerisms from the CLE-CHI game 2:

• Reggie stated that “Noah’s comments about Cleveland will allow the other 4 Bulls on the floor to play in peace.”: Yes, this would be true if the Bulls were playing the Cleveland FANS. Pretty sure Lebron and Co. aren’t going to all defend Noah because they’re mad at him, leaving the other 4 Bulls to play “in peace”.
• “He got right in his grill”: Reggie felt the need to say this THREE DIFFERENT TIMES when players went up to block shots. We get it Reggie, they were in each others’ faces. But your decided lack of street cred prevents you from saying “grill” and not sounding like a poser.
• Reggie predicted that “Lebron James is on his way to earning his second back-to-back MVP.”: No, actually it’s his first back-to-back MVP. If it was his second back-to-back MVP, it would be his 4^th title.
• Reggie crowed “Bad Moon Rising!!!!!!” when Moon hit his 4^th 3: This may be the corniest, least-applicable pop-culture reference in the history of NBA commentating. CCR would be appalled.
• Reggie said that James Johnson’s defense on Lebron James was “pretty good” and “effective”: Letting the player you’re defending for most of the game get 40 points, 8 rebounds, and 8 assists is not “pretty good” OR “effective” defense. At all.

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